Author Archives: Michael Collins

Sloppy punctuation may cost you

Everything is fast these days. Fast downloads, rapid exchanges of text—delivered at lightning speed—and messages written and read on the run.

All that convenience, or pain in the arse in-your-faceness—depending on how you look at life—comes with a hidden cost.

We are simply not communicating properly. Words are abbreviated or misspelled, punctuation is generally ignored (except for the ubiquitous exclamation mark, which has gone from the rarely used and effective to anything up to fifteen of them slammed at the end of one sentence), and messages have unintended multiple meanings.

Perhaps we don’t have to be perfect. Or do we? In one recent case involving a legal document, one misplaced comma in a contract cost Rogers Communications Inc., a Canadian Company, C$2.13 million dollars. That one comma allowed Aliant Inc., a cable laying company, to terminate a contract with one year’s notice, rather than the five years Rogers Communication thought they’d signed up for.

We may not be negotiating million dollar deals every day before lunch, but we do need to be clear, and punctuation helps. Let’s look at the following:

We invited the strippers, Mum, and Dad.

or

We invited the strippers, Mum and Dad.

(Interesting parents whichever way you read it.)

How about:

Let’s eat, Grandma.

Or

Let’s eat Grandma.

(Yum!)

And:

A woman, without her man, is nothing.

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

One of the best ways to test your punctuation is to read your words out loud. In this era of flashing, whizz-bang everything, how you communicate is more important than ever. Punctuation isn’t there to torment us. It’s there to add clarity to what we want to say. Just take two more seconds to reread what you’ve written before pressing the button.

What’s in a name?

Freddy Krueger

Freddy Krueger

In my last blog we looked at how much fiction was based on real life experiences. Since then my wife, Jane Teresa, wrote a blog about A Nightmare on Elm Street, a theme she had been asked about on a radio talk-back show. We had to watch the original 1984 movie, hailed as a landmark in the ‘slasher’ genre, because neither one of us had seen it.

Jane Teresa—who was ready from the start to leap nervously into my armpit—and I actually found the movie quite tame. It was the titbit in the little bit of research Jane Teresa did afterwards that really caught my attention.

Freddie Krueger, the evil phantom who plagued a bunch of high school kids (one of whom was the incredibly young looking Johnny Depp), was named after a real-life character who bullied the writer and director, Wes Craven, in the school yard.  His name was Fred Krueger.

Now, how would you feel? You’ve grown up. You’re in a respectable profession. Maybe you’re a kind-hearted teacher with three gentle children and a lovely wife. And then you’re thrust into the limelight as the influence behind a blockbuster slasher movie, and not in a good way.

A Happy Family

A Happy Family

Worse still, the movie is franchised, making Freddy Krueger a household name world over. There are eight more movies (grossing over $455 million), a TV show, and more merchandising than you could wave Freddy’s stick at.

I wonder where the real Freddy is now. And how does he feel? Has he changed his name, been chased out of the neighbourhood, and lost his family and his job?

You never know what’s going to happen when you point the finger, do you?

Believe it, or not!

Childhood memories

Childhood memories

How much of our fiction writing is drawn from real life? How often do we base our characters on people we know? And are those places we invent actually drawn from childhood memories, or somewhere we’ve once visited, or a bit of both?

Imagination

Imagination

Writers of speculative fiction can create whole new worlds, races of people, social structures, weaponry, even entire languages that come straight from their imaginations. How they do that is beyond me. Like most of us, I have to have points of reference. If I write about a bunch of little kids having a fight, I have to remember a schoolyard altercation I was involved in, witnessed, or heard about, and develop the scene from there.

World domination

World domination

So, when someone asks me if a character in a piece of fiction is actually me, it’s hard to respond with an unequivocal, ‘No!’ even when the character is about to do something really despicable—not like me at all, I assure you. I certainly base my characters on elements of real people, and my own experiences, but that’s where the similarity ends. I’ve no desire to embark on an evil mission of world domination, thank you very much, but it is fun working out how it can be done. In fact … oh, forget it, that one’s already been tried.

How much of you and your experiences goes into your writing?

Interstitial what?

The Antidote

The Antidote

There are a couple of books by Oliver Burkeman that I became acquainted with this month—yes, I do tend to find authors I really like and read everything they’ve written: Help!, an interesting search for the best aspects of self-help, and The Antidote, where Burkeman renounces positive thinking in a droll search for happiness.

They were both interesting reads, however in Help! I came across the term ‘interstitial time’ coined by blogger, Merlin Mann. Now, I’m always on the lookout for ways to improve our writing opportunities, adding them to my list of possible solutions for time-poor clients. Or, in some cases, to parry some of the devilishly clever excuses some will come up with not to write when they can—and should.

Burkeman’s point is that it would indeed be marvellous to have large chunks of time devoted to writing in our idyllic lakeside cabin, although I’ve found there are certain realities here which shouldn’t go unappreciated (see my Lonesome Ghost, or near-death-by isolation blog here), and to wallow in some of the writing rituals we hear some renowned authors indulge in: starting at the right time, lucky pen stationed just so, faithful dog positioned by the hearth, inspirational music played at the optimum level for, well, inspiration, I guess.

The writer's view

The writer's view

However, in our often rat-racy existence we are beset by less than inspirational small chunks of time: sitting in doctors’ surgeries, travelling by public transport, waiting at airports, or contemplating the kids’ music teacher’s car park wall for an hour in the piddling rain. What do we do? Check everything we can on our smart phones or tablets, read a book, or stare meaninglessly at some point in space until our eyes grow heavy and close?

Or, can we use these times to write, make notes, and formulate ideas— anything that will stimulate the progress of our book? Try it! There’s an edgy feel to using this ‘stolen’ time. And, more importantly, there’s a lack of expectation—and therefore pressure—to make anything worthwhile come of it. After all, it’s merely a bit of interstitial time. It can also become extremely habit-forming, and that’s not a bad thing, is it?

What do you do when you aren’t doing?

When intention = decision

It's here. It's now.

It's here. It's now.

2013. We’re here. It’s another new year and a time to reflect. Not on what we haven’t done or intended to do over the last twelve months, but on what we will do. And that doesn’t mean setting unreasonable goals—the ones that will guarantee failure. It means singling out one major undertaking and focussing on how to engineer its success.

Over the years, the one constant with both book coaching and ghost-writing clients is the surge in good intent at this time of year. However, that urge to write, or have work written, is sometimes swamped by the overwhelming pressure of other ‘noisier’ resolutions on the New Year to-do list: giving up smoking, going on that perennial diet, signing up at the gym, and much, much more.

Is this the year of your book?

Is this the year of your book?

Writing, or having your words written for you, cannot remain just an intention. Both undertakings require serious input, either in writing or in time spent meeting, talking and resolving. But the first step is commitment; taking your intention and turning it a decision. Believe it or not, the rest is a whole lot easier.

Are you ready to make 2013 the year of your book?

Never judge a book by its cover

Book covers made me wonder

Book covers made me wonder

Ghost-writing some fiction just the other day, I tapped out those exact words. Of course, the expression is a common English idiom and the meaning a metaphor for not deciding the worth (or lack thereof) of anything, or anyone, by its outward appearance. Good advice, perhaps.

However, rereading and editing the text, I found myself wondering about book covers—you know, how long they’d been around, which are the oldest, the most famous et cetera. Before long, I was berating myself for falling into a trap I constantly warn my book coaching students about—losing focus (the ugly term for it is procrastination) yet also fascinated by a few interesting facts that emerged. I decided that this was, after all, essential research.

Did you know, for example, that with the advent of the mass press during the 17th and 18th centuries, book covers (or dust jackets as they were referred to then) were nothing but plain and functional? At first they were cloth, and then paper. Sometimes holes were cut in the front covers to display the title and author’s name, but it wasn’t until around the turn of the twentieth century when the obvious advantages of decorating book covers became apparent. And then it was on for young and old.

Girl with Leica - Alexandr Rodchenko

Girl with Leica - Alexandr Rodchenko

Avant-gardists like Alexandr Rodchenko and El Lissitzky of the Soviet Union produced some of the first radically modern cover designs during the 1920s. Aubrey Beardsley with his striking covers for the first four volumes of The Yellow Book (1894–5) was also an early influencer.

Of course, there is always an exception. Way back around 810 BC, an illustrated manuscript—the Lorsch Gospels, a collection of the Four Gospels of the New Testament—was produced. The cover was made from highly decorated, carved ivory plates. I’ll bet the guys who put it together hoped like hell it wouldn’t become a best-seller.

James Joyce - Ulysses

James Joyce - Ulysses

And can you tell a book by its cover—literally? How about James Joyce’s Ulysses? That amazing cover designed by Ernst Reichl in 1934 in no way relates to the book’s actual contents. But, there again, could any cover symbolise the contents of Ulysses?

Today the book cover is regarded as one of the critical selling points of a book. And with e-publishing, book cover design has taken an even more complex turn. What can look highly attractive on the rapidly disappearing bookshop shelf may look pretty banal as a website thumbnail. So, there you are. Even as we speak, it’s no longer a book cover; it’s become a ‘thumbnail’.

What do you think?

It didn’t happen like that, or did it?

I love referring clients to Julian Barnes’ Sense of an Ending. To me, that pithy novella and winner of the Man Booker Prize 2011 represents all that is good about contemporary writing. Short enough for the poorest attention span (a gnat’s, I believe, being the present scientific medium of comparison), disarmingly sweet and simple, it is also a swollen river of thought-provoking undercurrents.

Yup, you guessed it—I like that book. But what I like about it most of all is the way Barnes has the reader believe the lifetime memories of the protagonist, until they are eventually completely shattered by someone else’s recollection of what happened.

Ask a law-enforcement officer

Ask a law-enforcement officer

Isn’t life just like that? Separately ask a number of witnesses to remember what happened at a particularly memorable event in the past and they will often come up with wildly differing accounts. Ask any experienced law-enforcement officer and they’ll confirm that obtaining corroborating evidence is extremely difficult. And how often does an after-dinner story become a lively discussion—OK, argument then—about whose version of that holiday incident is the more accurate? Let’s face it, the ways people remember things are, well, different.

So what’s this got to do with writing? Apply the exercise of recalling memories to writing a memoir. Which author gives the right version? The first one into print? The most famous?

When was the last time you totally disagreed with a version of events, and knew—just knew—you were right?

Payment vs Passion

Writers' retreat

Writers' retreat

At one time, every piece of advice you would have received about writing for either the market, or your own personal passion, would come down on the side of passion. The question is: does that hold true now?

If you want to sell your book, is there any room in the marketplace for something uniquely yours, from the heart, bashed out with searing anger, tears, and heart-felt bitterness—oops, was that the passion I was talking about before?

If we want to write a best-seller, do we study the market to determine what is doing well and then try and emulate that particular genre? Many writers do, and it works well for them. Do we adapt our unique novel to suit the popular market?

Or, do we put another piece of kindling on the meagre fire, rub our frost-bitten hands together, sit down in our windy garret—I mean writers’ retreat—and stay true to ourselves?

What’s your opinion?

WTF

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

I’ve become a little irritated in this era of modern communication where folk (even older generations) regularly, if not persistently, omit capitalisation from emails and text messages.  Why? Is it because it’s easier for our hard-pressed fingers to move more speedily, saving time so we can rush off to the next fifteen second activity?

The problem, of course, is that the message recipient, who clearly hasn’t got the busy and interesting life of the sender, is left spending considerable time deciphering the garbled information. What with truncated words and a heap of misspelled and therefore meaningless acronyms, we’re left wondering WTF.

The following quote landed in my inbox via my fellow ghost, Grant McDuling, a couple of months ago.

“Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Perhaps we should all be a little more considerate with our capitalisation. Otherwise we can look really busy, but way too uncool.

Had any strange messages lately?

What are we meant to be doing?

Scrivener - a lifeline for writers

Scrivener - a lifeline for writers

I purchased and downloaded Scrivener the other day. It’s been a long wait, so let me tell you about it.

To me Scrivener wasn’t an indulgence—it was a necessity. As a writer, I have some fairly complex projects, some of them running at the same time, albeit at different stages of development. I’d heard of Scrivener and its write-minded ability to provide an excellent platform for organising writing projects years ago, and seethed. It had been developed for Macs, and I’m not a Mac owner.

The company, Literature and Latte (don’t you love that name?), recently released Scrivener for Windows and I was in. I haven’t been so excited for years and, despite their promised two hour in-depth tutorial dragging on for over four hours, the program went well beyond my expectations. And all for $40.

The Literature and Latte website has an active forum which I dropped in on recently. I can’t remember why. Alright put it this way, I’m not ‘fessin’ up to wasting a teeny weensy bit of time sniffing around their site for fun. You have to remember how excited I was to have the program.

In my travels there, I came across a post from a writer who was bemoaning the fact that the Windows version of Scrivener failed to have a very, very minor function that the Mac one had. A technician answered the post, explaining that it was something to do with Mac’s OS having an inherent feature that Windows OS did not possess, and that was that. Or so you’d like to believe.

Well, the discussion about this deficiency went on for weeks until one comment stopped the whole ridiculous performance dead in its tracks. ‘Surely,’ the writer said, ‘the purpose of this program is to assist in organising and tracking various complex aspects of the book writing process—something, by the way, we’ve never had before. By endlessly discussing the omission of an almost insignificant detail, aren’t we getting away from our core objective—to write?’

When was the last time you were bogged down in chasing minor and irrelevant details instead of getting on with writing?

Paralysed

Walking out of the local supermarket and into the main mall area three months ago, I saw a toddler, aged around three, standing near a toy car—you know the ones, you put your child behind the steering wheel, feed the slot a dollar, and the thing lights up, growling and shaking, to the utter delight of the young.

She was blonde, barefooted, and dressed a little raggedy, but she had an inner beauty, an exuberance, and a sense of wonder that, despite the weight of my bags and the prospect of a plod to my car in scorching thirty six degree sunshine, made me chuckle.

As I drew level, she stood on the car’s pedestal and called to someone behind me. ‘Daddy, daddy, look!’

She climbed into the driver's seat

She climbed into the driver's seat

Hearing a rough, throaty male voice echo through the mall, several people including myself stopped to look around. ‘‘Get off that fucking thing!’

The little girl, appearing not to hear, began to climb into the car’s driving seat. Her fascination with the machine was intense—as if she’d never set eyes on anything like it before. Perhaps from the country, I thought.

In the next moment, a thin, shaven-haired, thuggish-looking guy around thirty rushed to the girl, gripped her by one arm, and hauled her from the machine. His pale, hawkish face was twisted with ferocious anger—almost feral.

As he viciously bent the girl’s arm and her leg slammed against the toy car, she screamed in pain.

It was over in seconds, with half a dozen of us spectators left gawping in horror and shock as the man disappeared around a corner in the direction of the mall’s exit. Gradually, muttering in disapproval, we began to disperse and move in our intended directions.

Feeling nauseated, and trying to come to terms with a sense of guilt, I walked towards the car park wondering what I could or should have done. It had happened too quickly, I rationalised. The guy was probably on drugs—he looked like a junky, all emaciated and mean-looking—so any interference may have had terrible consequences for the girl and for me for that matter. He may have been carrying a weapon—he looked the type. Anyway, my involvement would have enmeshed me in witness statements, possible court appearances, maybe even some retribution from the guy himself. And for what? It’s possible the girl was an impossibly naughty creature and the incident was the culmination of a day of enormous parental frustration.

Beginning to walk across the deserted car park, I heard a terrible wailing. It was the girl, perhaps a hundred metres away, held against a battered old truck and being beaten with a length of plastic piping.

I was paralysed. I didn’t know what to do. My hands were full of shopping bags, it was unbearably hot, and there was nobody else around to help. The guy was also probably half my age and, built like a whip, would make mincemeat out of me.  As the girl’s cries became shriller, battering my ears, and the heat seared mercilessly up from the concrete, I felt like throwing up. Was this like being in hell?

Is this what hell is about?

Is this what hell is about?

Luckily that entire incident never happened. I made it up. The questions are: what emotions did it evoke? How did you feel about the girl, the father, and me? Did my inertia and pathetic rationalising make you angry? Were you imagining yourself in the same circumstances, and wondering what you would have done?

Sometimes we have to cause readers some discomfort. It’s not all about feeling good. If we can bring their emotions to the surface, make them angry, distressed, or even confused about how they feel, we’re doing our work.

What was the last piece of fiction you read that upset you?

Kick-start your book—in ten minutes

You have 10 minutes

You have 10 minutes

Here’s a fun exercise to help you get started on your book. Exercise? Fun? I’m kidding right? No, I’m not—not in this blog anyway. Next time I definitely will be, so watch out. For now, let’s have a look at a way of getting those creative juices flowing. Remember, we’ve all got to start somewhere.

You have only ten minutes. This makes sure that the exercise is enjoyable, so don’t go hard on yourself. Ready?

On a sheet of paper, or on your keyboard, make a list of possible chapter titles—anything that springs to mind. It doesn’t matter how many you come up with—just go for it. The titles don’t have to make sense, they may not even seem relevant. The idea is to simply make a list right off the top of your head. And, the more you think about it, the less useful it will be. Go on, have some fun and see what happens!

Allow your mind to do the work!

Allow your mind to do the work!

Done it?

How did you go?

You’ve allowed your unconscious and pre-conscious minds to do a whole lot of work. Now you can examine your list and flesh out the titles with a couple of sentences, then one or two paragraphs, and then maybe a page or two. And there you go, your first draft flowing into being.

Writers beware – it’s a New Year

Without fear

Without fear

Yes, it’s that time of the year when we might make some resolutions: this year I will write without fear—fear of rejection, fear of going public, fear that my innermost thoughts and dark psyche are being exposed. I shall write bravely, setting aside time to write—for myself—come what may.

Brave words, but what the hell has a specific time of the year got to do with what we should be doing right now anyway? A few wise words from Karen Nixon’s new blog got me thinking. She talked about our propensity for wanting to leave the old year’s pain and difficulties behind and make a fresh start in the new, and she made the valuable point not to wipe the slate clean, but to take all we’ve learnt, moving forward with the benefit of hindsight.

Take the New Year by storm!

Take the New Year by storm!

Well, here’s some hindsight. A writer doesn’t look forward to a point in time when the stars and moons are in perfect alignment to do his or her thing. A writer does it now. Now, I say. And, yes, as you take the New Year by storm, may the mistakes you have made in the blundering universe of writing be your reckless, charging stead.

To the breach!

Words that matter

(500) Days of Summer

(500) Days of Summer

Looking through an array of Christmas cards yesterday, I was struck by the complete lack of imagination of the wording inside them. Has it always been like this, I wondered. For the last few decades I’ve gone for blank cards because the generic wording never seemed to fit—for me anyway. And now the words all seem very much the same.

In the 2009 movie, (500) Days of Summer, a romantic comedy about a woman, Summer, who doesn’t believe in true love, and the young man, Tom, who falls for her, Tom is employed by a greetings card company to write the sentiments inside the products. I was fascinated. Do jobs like this still exist? I also really felt for him when his depression resulted in a departmental transfer—from greetings to condolences. But, more importantly, where are his cards?

How often have you received a card from someone you haven’t seen or heard from since last year, and seen something like, ‘lots of love from Aunty Flo and Uncle Bill’? And that’s it. No news. Not a scrap. Flo’s husband, Uncle Bill, may be recovering from a triple bypass following a massive heart attack, and Flo herself celebrating the year she climbed Kilimanjaro (aged 89, and probably precipitating Bill’s condition), but all you get is ‘lots of love’. Oh, and, ‘wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year’, because that was already printed there.

Let’s make our words really matter.

Bad sex in fiction (part 2)

Just to continue the light-hearted theme of the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards, and grinding to its climactic conclusion (see, it’s contagious), the winner of this year’s award goes to David Guterson, best-selling author of Snow Falling on Cedars.

His novel, Ed King, brings the Sophoclean tragedy Oedipus Rex (note the pun) from the distant past into late 20th century Seattle.

In one scene the main character “massaged, kneaded, stretched, rubbed, pinched, flicked, feathered, licked, kissed, and gently bit her shoulders”, but the clincher for the gong was “Ed stood with his hands at the back of his head, like someone just arrested, while she abused him with a bar of soap.” And I love the end of that scene: “Then they rinsed, dried, dressed, and went to an expensive restaurant for lunch.” Well, after all that you’d need to, wouldn’t you?

Sign Language

Read me

Read me

What is it about reading a sign? You’ve seen it plenty of times—someone drops litter beside a fully signed-up trash can, dogs and their human slaves roam unfettered on a dogs-on-leashes only beach, we skip across the road when the sign says, DON’T, and junk mail appears in the letterbox, despite the sign that asks otherwise.

Do we not see signs, or are we ignoring them? Why isn’t the message getting through?

Maybe our message just isn’t strong enough, poorly worded, or too obscure. Perhaps what we want to say is drowned by the clutter of our lives, or perhaps we aren’t reading words any more and just want to look at the pictures.

How has reading changed for you?

Bad sex in Fiction

The winner of this year’s Bad Sex in Fiction is about to be announced.

Last year, for passages in his book, For the Shape of Her, Rowan Somerville won the 18th Bad Sex in Fiction award. When he courageously attended the awards dinner in St James Square in November, he said, “There is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the nation, I thank you.”

Two questions immediately spring to my mind (I know, I know, you want to read the pieces of bad sex writing that clinched the award for Somerville—just hang on!): one, did he sit down with the express purpose of writing the most unsettling descriptions of sex that he could? And two, what did it do for his book sales? Read on and then tell me what you think.

His description of sex: “Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”

And his take on a woman’s pubic hair: “Desert vegetation following an underground stream.”

While his protagonist: “Unbuttoned the front of her shirt and pulled it to the side so that her breast was uncovered, her nipple poking out, upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night. He took it between his lips and sucked the salt from her.”

Outstanding!

What should writers read?

You can’t be much of a writer if you’re not a reader. And you should have read sufficient of your genre if you intend to become good at it. It’s a bit pointless writing historical romances when you only read sci-fi, don’t you think?

You want me to read what?

You want me to read what?

But what else should you be reading? I’d go nuts if I had to stick to one particular genre. My tastes range from literary fiction to chick lit, and all points in between, although I draw a line at speculative fiction—I just can’t see it.

There have been numerous theories flung around about what writers should read. For example, one insisted that reading a trashy novel would be seriously detrimental to a literary fiction writer’s work. We now know that to be nonsense. Literary fiction writers read the news just like the rest of us.

So, what do you read? Is it connected in any way to what you write?

Finding time to read

In Michael Hyatt’s blog about five ways to find time to read, he comes up with some useful ideas. You can read the blog post here.

Finding reading time seems to be a real problem for many avid readers. Time slips by, and how many books have you read in 2011? One of Michael Hyatt’s solutions was to make a sacrifice and turn the TV off at 9pm. I’d go further than that and suggest that if you seriously want to catch up on your reading, don’t turn the bloody thing on at all.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

At home we made an effort to avoid TV over ten years ago. As a result, I munch through a book and a half week on average. Let’s see, that’s almost 800 books. And what have I missed on the box? Hmm.

After dinner, I feel as weary as the next person. In fact it’s hard to get up the enthusiasm to do anything, never mind read. But once I start and the magic swirls from the pages, it’s way past bed time before I realise. What say you?